(530): I’m pretty sure that’s why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
(804): WE’RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
(325): I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
(+44): You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
(913): well i don’t NEED my liver but it’s nice to have one when you’re trying to have a good time
(304): What’s Spanish for “I shouldn’t have worn these underwear to work?”
(530): I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it’s him.
(603): Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
(562): biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
(407): I’m not saying he’s gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like