(+44): You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
(913): well i don’t NEED my liver but it’s nice to have one when you’re trying to have a good time
(304): What’s Spanish for “I shouldn’t have worn these underwear to work?”
(530): I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it’s him.
(603): Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
(562): biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
(407): I’m not saying he’s gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
(541): I just fell off a roof. So I’m kinda chillin for a minute.
(320): God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier…
(843): My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.